Dear Cas
by GhostOfAMelody
Summary: When you miss someone really far away and dont quite know how to talk to them, the best thing to do is write a letter. AU!Destiel
1. Chapter 1

Ahh this has probably already been done a few times but oh well. I feel like doing it too.

All rights belong to Supernatural,

Reviews are always appreciated,

Here's hoping I don't screw this up.

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Dear Cas,

I don't even know how to start this. I've spent the last twenty minutes staring at a blank sheet of paper thinking how stupid it would be to write down "Hi! How are you? Things over here are good."

That's not me, that's not you.

Sam told me to write to you, saying it would "help both of us" whatever that means. I think he's fed up with me sitting around the house doing nothing, or leaving for long periods of time and not telling him where I've gone. I'm the big brother and yet he's the one taking care of me. I hate that I'm putting him through this, I hate that I can't do anything about it, I hate that every time I think of you I'm back to square one and any progress I've made is gone. I'm even starting to hate that I even met you in the first place.

It surprises me that I can still remember the day we met, I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind. Rent was due and I had to go home and tell Sammy that I just hadn't made enough that day to cover it. He had told me so many times before that if I wasn't making enough money, he would drop out of college and work full time to make up the difference, but I never wanted to have to do that to him. So there I was, feeling pretty sorry for myself and thinking the only cure-all for this situation was a bottle of rum. But I couldn't afford that either, so a cheap cup of coffee would have to suffice.

And there you were, in your navy blue uniform, looking out of place at a cafe more frequented by people like 's what first drew me to you, how oblivious you were to all that stares of the people around you. You were some rich cop on the wrong side of the tracks, but you were also the kind of guy who would buy coffee off the black market if someone told you it was good there.

To this day I don't know why you spared me a second glance. I was wearing my old leather jacket, a pair of jeans still covered in engine oil from work, and I hadn't even remembered to shave that morning. That's what happens when you work a night and day shift back to back. But for some reason you looked at me and didn't look away, and before I knew it we were huddled around an old milk crate with a dirty cloth on top (their version of a table), drinking coffee (you bought it), and talking as if we knew each other for years. I remember we talked about everything, from your work to mine, all about your big family and then I told you about Sam. At some point my financial troubles came up and you offered more than once to give me rent money, but I refused. Dad always told me never to accept handouts, it made a person look weak.

We must've been talking for hours when your cell phone rang, interrupting a story you were telling me about your sister. You had told me earlier you were on call and I was surprised we had even gotten in as long of a conversation as we had. You shook my hand goodbye and ran off to your car really fast, something I didn't understand until I looked down and saw the wad of folded up bills in my hand. You didn't know it then, but you truly saved my life that day. You had given me enough to pay rent and then some. Sammy didnt need to leave school, we had ourselves something other than a gas station meal for dinner that night, and I vowed to myself that I would find you and thank you for what you had done. It's amazing how such a small gesture had such a big impact on my life.

I think I'm gonna end this letter here, my hand is sore, it's getting dark out, and thinking back on all this is bringing my headache back. I'll to write to you as much as I can but Cas,

I didn't think it would be so hard writing to a ghost.

Yours always,

Dean.


	2. Chapter 2

Onwards and upwards.

All rights belong to Supernatural and any other respective companies,

Reviews are greatly appreciated,

Here's chapter 2!

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Dear Cas,

Sorry for taking so long to write again. I just keep thinking how stupid your grave will look covered in a pile of letters that you won't ever read. And that's before the rain will get to them. I thought I'd feel better after I wrote the first one, but nothing changed. I'm just as miserable now as I was then, but I'll keep going if not just to make Sam happy.

I can't remember that last time he was happy. Not since you died, anyway.

I read in some magazine (no, not Cosmo) that the best way to deal with this type of grief is to only dwell on the happy memories of a loved one and in time the "internal healing process" will start to work. The biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard so I'm gonna do this my own way. I'm gonna remember everything, every last detail of the time we were together and maybe by the end it'll feel more complete. Like we weren't cut so short.

Even now I feel as though we were together longer than I ever thought possible. Hell, we shouldn't have even made it past our second meeting. You should've arrested me that day, I know it, you know it. It was stupid of me to be at that bar in the first place, I knew the owner's side job of drug trafficking and I knew it was only a matter of time he got caught. But Sammy's birthday was soon and I wanted to get him a really good present that year. I never saw fault in hustling pool for some spare cash, in my opinion it's honest work. And as it turned out, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It wasn't as dramatic of a police take over as I thought it would be; no smoke bombs or swat teams breaking through the windows. You did break down the door though, that was pretty impressive. I'll admit, I never thought you'd be able to. Sorry Cas, but you look like a bit of a wimp. But you broke it down pretty fast and the place was swarming with cops before I could even put down my pool cue. Your team was doing a pretty superficial job of separating who was going to be questioned and who they were letting go. I saw more than one pretty lady slip out while the scumbags like me were thrown against a wall. I knew the instant our eyes !et that you recognized me. Maybe you felt bad for me, but probably you remembered Sam, the lawyer in training whose future depended on his brother's shitty income to get by. Maybe you just didn't want to deal with me for the next few days. Whatever it was, it wasn't long before the handcuffs on my hands came loose and you started leading me towards the front entrance.

"Sgt. Novak? Don't you think we should check him out first?" One of your officers, the one who handcuffed me in the first place, asked timidly. What a title, Seargant Castiel Novak, it really did suit you.

"No, he's clean. Don't worry about it, check the back would you?" You said so calmly before hauling me out the front door. All at once your demeanor changed.

"Get the hell out of here before I find some charge to lay on you and put your ass in jail for the next twenty years." You hissed at me, shoving me towards the curb.

"Good luck with that." I laughed. You wouldn't be the first person to try.

"I would find something, wouldn't I?" I didn't even have to answer you for you to know. Trying to keep some dignity, I started walking away.

"How's Sam?" I was surprised you even remember his name. Out of all the people you'd met in your life, what made us stick out?

"He's good. Yeah, he's doing well in school. Top of his class, from what I've heard. Not that he'll ever admit it to me." I replied and you gave the first ghost of a smile I'd seen since you got there. It reminded me less of cop you and more of the man who'd bought me a coffee months earlier. You tipped your hat at me slightly and headed back inside the bar, and I went home. That to me felt like the last time I'd see you, although I always hoped it wasn't. Guess I was pretty lucky in the end.

Writing this all down frustrates me. I have so many questions I should've asked you, but never thought to while you were around. I guess I always figured that I'd have forever to figure them out. Or maybe they just never occurred to me until now. Sam always said I looked at our relationship through rose-coloured glasses. I'm starting to think he's right.

I have to stop. Thinking back on all this is so draining, and I really wanna put on a brave face for Sammy today. I really have to try to move on, for his sake, my sake, and even yours.

I'm sorry. I'm not doing you any justice with any of this, but I have to try something.

God, I just miss you so much.

Yours always,

Dean.


End file.
